How to get a sugar daddy/mama [starving artist]

If you met a cute guy (or girl) at a drunken Valentine’s Day singles party, with whom you have been casually texting, you should sit them down in a salon chair before the relationship progresses, and ask them some serious questions. “Are you triflin’?  Can you pay my bills?  Can you pay my telephone bills?  Can you pay my automo-bills?  Then maybe we can chill.”  Seriously.  If you didn’t have so many bills, then you wouldn’t have to have a day job, and you would have so much more time and energy to focus on your acting career.  Having a sugar daddy (or mama) is easy one solution to this age-old dilemma.  Here are some tips on how to take that cash cow out to pasture and back again .

1. Many rich people are old, so try to hang out in places that old people do: early bird dinners, Wednesday matinees, nursing homes.  Here is a list of the 20 best nursing homes in NYC.  I’d recommend the Hallmark of Battery Park (it has a whirlpool spa and a billiards room and some residents pay over $10,000/mo to live there). Cha-ching!

2. We all know that despite the recession, the Wall Street guys are richer than ever.  So get out of Hell’s Kitchen, and head down to the Financial District for a night.  Stock brokers and financial advisors can get out of work anywhere from 6pm to 5am, so park yourself at the bar and let the waves of rich men in suits wash over you, and maybe one of them will stick!  Here’s a list of  “20 Places Wall Street gets hammered.”

3. Go to an expensive grocery store that only rich people can afford, like Whole Foods or D’Agostino’s, and hang out conspicuously in the jarred food section.  Try to strike up a conversation with strangers about different types of caviar.  “Beluga is best eaten on a cold cracker with a warm head on your shoulder, no?”

4. Be a contestant on Bravo’s Millionaire Matchmaker!  Patti Stanger is a whack-job, but you are guaranteed to meet someone rich, and think about all the successful acting careers reality TV has jumpstarted!

5. Forget Match.com or OkCupid, and join SugarDaddie.com: where rich men are looking for young attractive model/actresses to shower gifts upon.  It’s no more prostitution than that Quest commercial that you filmed upstate, or “burlesque night” at summer stock, so get over it!